Many years ago when our dear friends, Matt and Cyndy, were newlyweds, they got into a tiff that JP and I still laugh about to this day. Matt had frustrated Cyndy to the point of (almost!) no return. Just exactly what Matt did to make Cyndy mad, we can’t recall. What we do remember is their oh-so-real-life interaction:
Matt: Cyndy, you are supposed to love me with unconditional love.
Cyndy: Matt, unconditional love only goes so far!
Every married couple I know can relate to Cyndy’s statement on some level. We want to love our spouses , but gosh…sometimes it’s hard. Harder than we bargained for, maybe. In seasons where unconditional love seems far fetched, and perhaps even impossible, we must realize that love is a choice. It’s an action more than a feeling.
Yesterday JP and I spoke together on marriage at Crossline Church. We each prepared separately, so other than knowing his general point, I had no idea about the specifics he would share. As JP spoke, one thing he said particularly stood out in my mind.
“It’s easier to act your way into feeling, than to feel your way into acting.”
What does that mean for the woman who professes Christ? It means that she acts differently than the woman next door–even if she doesn’t feel like it. In challenging seasons of life (which we all face at some point) it helps to remember that a season is just that–a season. If we allow our feelings–or lack of them–to dictate our choice to love, we’ll forever be caught in a trap of our own making. A trap that leads not to marital happiness, but to marital despair.
The wise gal knows this. So, she makes a choice to depend upon God rather than her emotions. As a result, she treats her husband differently. She treats her children differently. She even treats herself differently. She finds out what God has to say about marriage and, with with the help of the Holy Spirit, she obeys. She’s not perfect, but she’s humble when she blows it. She’s intentional about her love.
What are some God given principles that you and I can apply to our relationships? I’ve listed a few below, all taken from Ephesians, chapter 4:
- I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. (Eph 4:1-3)
- Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body (Eph 4:25)
- In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Eph 4:26-27)
- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Eph 4:29)
- And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (Eph 4:30)
- Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.(Eph 4:31)
- Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph 4:32)
These are incredibly practical verses, aren’t they? Pick one and decide to obey it today. Loving our spouse–or anyone in our life, for that matter–is a choice. Plain and simple. Sometimes, though, we can all use a little help knowing how to put these biblical principles into practice. If you’d like a copy of the practical worksheets JP and I used when we spoke for the Mount Hermon couples retreat in April, check out the freebies page on my website. You’ll find these pages contain great conversation starters. They’ll give you tools to increase intimacy, enhance communication and assess the health of your relationship.
If we are married, we are called to love. It’s not just a feeling. It’s an action. It’s a choice.
After many years of marriage (happily, I might add), I’m pretty sure Cyndy would now say, “Unconditional love goes sooooooooooooooooo far.” 🙂
Lord Jesus,
Help me love the man I chose. Help me to put your word into practice in my marriage and in all my relationships. Transform my heart as I seek to obey. Amen.
In September, Chris and I will be married for 30 years. Whenever I am upset with him for something, he tells me, “Well if you are upset with me then I am upset with you.” I tell him, “You can’t be upset with me just because I’m upset with you.” Why not?” Because that’s a rule. Where did this so called rule come from? I don’t know but I know it’s a rule. This is the same man who is very successful at work but can’t load a dishwasher. The same man who is very bright but always asks me where things are in the garage. The same man who is my soul mate, best friend, and will always have my back.