The caption on the cover of the magazine caught my eye; What Happy Married Couples Do (that you should, too).

Turns out the article didn’t deliver as much as the title promised.  But it did get me thinking.  What do happy married couples do?  After 26 years of being happily married, and having a boat load of friends who are happily married, too, I figure I know a thing or two about the topic. Of course no relationship comes with a guarantee, but still, happily married couples generally share some common denominators.

Here’s my list of the top five things married couples do:

1.     They Play Together.

Yep. That’s number one.  Know why?  Because if you never stop dating your spouse, you’ll most likely never fall out of love with your spouse.  And by “dating” I don’t mean have a date night (although it’s not a bad idea).  It’s just that plenty of couples share a “date night” but never really learn to play together. Playing doesn’t have to cost one dime.  Not even for a babysitter.

Here’s how a few of my very happily married friends play:

• Chuck and Lori take a running leap into bed at night.
• Karen and Dean make up funny, ridiculous songs.
• Brenda and Mike take relaxing vacations together (OK, so that one isn’t free…but it’s worth it!)
• Donna and JP dance in the kitchen and share countless inside jokes.

Some couples take evening walks. Some go on Sunday drives, play tennis, or work in the yard. Each couple is different, but whatever feels like play, whatever makes you laugh, whatever connects the two of you and nobody else, do it.

2.     They Accept Each Other

This is a biggie.  It’s been said that men get married hoping she’ll never change, while women get married hoping he will. New Flash:  She will. He won’t.

Oh sure, most of us mellow with age.  We get a little wiser and some of us get a little rounder. Our hair thins and our tight little bodies start to sag, but our basic temperament is here to stay. So instead of trying to change their spouse, what do happy married couples do?  They not only learn to accept their spouse, they grow to appreciate him or her. They actually begin to see the value in their spouse’s differences and they learn to find their spouse’s idiosyncrasies endearing.

Yes. Endearing.

Let me give you an example.  I’m kind of a control freak.  Yesterday after church we went to lunch and the server asked JP if he would like chips or an apple with his sandwich.  I happen to know that he rarely eats chips.  I was also aware that we were fresh out of apples at home (and our kids love apples). Seeing his ambivalence about the choices, and knowing he wouldn’t eat either, I piped up, “Have the apple”, at which point my kids looked at me like I had just asked him to fly to the moon.  “Have a few control issues, Mom?” my daughter teased.

Um. Yeah.

But here’s the deal.  We laughed.  All of us.  Me. JP. The kids. Why?  Because we accept each other—the good, the bad, the whole enchilada. And we kind of think our somewhat wacko idiosyncrasies make us loveable (at least when they aren’t driving us crazy).

One last side note:  yesterday (yes, the same day I told JP to order the apple, which he ignored, and ordered the chips.  And didn’t eat them.  I told you I knew. But I digress…) JP told me, “I love being married to you.”

Best compliment ever.

3.     They Forgive Each Other

Let’s get honest here. Even when a couple plays together and accepts each other, conflict still happens.  It just does. Even in the best of marriages.

Lest you think something is wrong with you, your spouse, and your marriage because you argue, disagree, or feel like running away to Switzerland every now and then, I will say it again: Conflict is part of life even for really happy couples.

Conflict itself isn’t the problem.  It’s how you handle the conflict that counts.

So what do happy couples do, that you should, too?  Three things:

1. They don’t make the small things big (see apple example above:) ).
2. They don’t make the big things small (some things should make you mad and need to be addressed!)
3. They learn to forgive.

How does a conflict ridden, discontent, unhappy couple put these things into practice?  One word: humility.

Humble yourself enough to say “I’m sorry”. “I was wrong”  “I handled that badly” “I want to change”. Humble yourself enough to say “It’s ok, I’ve done that, too”, “I understand”, “I accept your apology”, “Let’s move forward”.

Humility isn’t easy, but the payoff is a happy marriage.

4.     They Keep the Intimacy Smokin’

Now as I write this, I must tell you that my first inclination is to remember that my parents read this blog.  BUT, I realize that my madly-in-love-after-52 years-of -marriage parents modeled the love I’m talking about here.  My dad still regularly tells my mom how cute she is.  My mom still thinks my dad is the best man on earth. They’ve kept the home fires hot by the way they speak to each other, the way they play with each other, and the way they talk about each other.  They’re still affectionate and playful, even after all these years.

And they are happy.

Our friends Brenda and Mike (remember the Brenda and Mike who vacation together?) have learned this, too.  A couple of years ago, they celebrated their anniversary in Hawaii.  Mike got Brenda (former home-schooling, woman most like Jesus you have ever met, Brenda) a little gift—with the emphasis on little. A bikini.

Her response?  “Well, I guess Mike is just applying the Bible when it says “rejoice in the wife of your youth” she said with a sly smile.

Needless to say, they’re happy, too.

5.     They Hang On, Even When It Seems Easier to Let Go

Over the course of a lifetime together every couple has their share of joys and sorrows; of dreams fulfilled and dreams dashed; of ups and downs; of good days and bad days; of success and of failure.

It’s called life.

Whoever wrote the marriage vows we recite when we get married sure knew what they were talking about. Remember the day you promised to keep those vows—your wedding day?

I take you

To have and to hold from this day forward,

For better or for worse,

For richer or for poorer,

In sickness and in health,

And forsaking all others, will remain faithful to you

As long as we both shall live.

Happy couples aren’t happy because they never have problems.  It isn’t because their lives are trouble-free.  It’s not because they don’t have financial pressure, or health issues, or personal baggage to overcome.  Happy couples still have heartache.  They still face trials.  They go through periods of doubt and confusion.  But they don’t forget one thing: the promise they made.  To their spouse.  To themselves.  To their families.

To God.

And happy couples do one more, very important—maybe all important—thing.  They cling to Christ, knowing that as they hold on to God, they gain the strength to hold on to their spouses, their children, their families. Their happiness.

What do happy couples do that you should do, too?

They play.

They accept

They forgive.

They’re intimate.

They’re committed.

And they do these things as they depend on God.

In the last few weeks I must have said the same prayer 45 times a day.

Have you ever had a situation that so burdened your heart that you came to God over and over and over, asking—no begging—for the same thing again and again? I’m guessing you have.  We all have stuff that occasionally happens where we want to see God intercede NOW. And when He doesn’t, we feel the need to remind Him. Beg Him. Plead with Him.

And you know what?  Generally, there’s nothing wrong with this.  In fact, Jesus even told a story to illustrate how we are to keep on praying and not give up.  But last week, smack dab in the middle of one of my prayers, God stopped me.  Not literally, of course, but clearly just the same.

As I was driving down the freeway, talking to God as I often do (thank goodness for Bluetooth, so no one thinks I am crazy!), God halted my monologue and asked me to change the course of my prayers.

“Ask Me to help you trust Me.”

“What, Lord?”

“Ask Me to help you trust Me, no matter what the outcome of your circumstance.”

Now, there was a prayer I hadn’t even considered!  I don’t know why. Perhaps it had to do with my emotional investment in how the circumstance played out.  Maybe it had to do with how tightly I clung to wanting my will and my way. I don’t really know.

What I do know is that my prayers for God to intercede in my circumstances weren’t leading to peace.  In fact, the very opposite occurred; my repetitive begging left me more stressed out than ever, especially when I saw glimpses of the fact that God might, in fact, say “no” to my pleas.

You know what I realize now?  My asking God for the same thing over and over didn’t have its origins in faith, but rather, in fear.  Because of my fear that God might chose to do something I would rather Him not, my prayers were really nothing more than an effort to control Him.

Ouch.

But God is so tender.

So merciful.

So gentle with me, even when my mind and body and emotions are running 90 miles an hour.

So He whispered….

”Just ask Me to help you trust Me”

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

God knows my core issues.  He knows your issues, too.  He knows us better than we know ourselves.  Which means He knows what we really need in our moments of “need”.

And He loves us more than we could imagine.

Is your heart burdened today? Is there something that’s weighing heavily upon your mind and your soul? Do you wish God would change your circumstances and make life trouble free? Effortless? Painless?

I know.

He knows.

Maybe, just maybe, you need God to do for you what He’s doing for me.

Maybe you need Him to help you trust.

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength….

Isaiah 30:15

Do you ever feel defeated in your Christian life?  Ever wonder how in the world to be victorious in your walk with God when you can’t even handle the silly stuff of life, like frustration over dirty dishes in the sink or sibling squabbles, much less the serious stuff like addictions, feelings of worthlessness, or family rifts?

Put another way, are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

The weekend before Easter I had the honor of speaking at a women’s retreat for 250 college gals.  Their chosen theme?  Victorious!

Which got me thinking….”How do we live victoriously, anyway?”  What are the necessary pieces we need to have in place to live in victory rather than in defeat?  Are there things we should know?  Do? Not do?

As I prepared my talks I kept one question in mind: what would I tell my 20 year old self (and by default, my several-years-older-than-that self) to enable me to live in victory over the long haul of my life?

Although there are probably numerous components to living in victory, this weekend I focused on three elements which I believe are absolutely crucial for you, for me, and for anyone who wants to live victoriously:

1. Surround yourself with others who will help you be more like Jesus
2. Spend regular time with God, allowing him to speak personally to you through His word.
3. Immediately recognize Satan’s lies and quickly replace them with God’s truth.

The more I’ve reflected on these elements, the more I am convinced they hold the key to living in victory rather than defeat.  Sadly, too many of us fail to hedge in our lives with these safeguards and end up struggling with the same old stuff over and over and over again.  I know.  I’ve done it.  And very likely, so have you.

If you recognize yourself as one who has been living in defeat rather than in victory recently, take a look at the list again.  What’s been missing in your life?  Maybe you need to call a godly friend. Meet her at a coffee shop, go on a walk, or take the kids to the park. Talk, laugh and just be. Or call a Christian counselor, if you need to. If you’ve been hit or miss at Bible study or church, do yourself a favor and go each week. Let the spiritual health and vitality of others spill onto you.

Other believers are essential for your victory.

Perhaps you need to spend a few minutes with your Bible open, pausing long enough to let God love on you. The gals at the retreat told me that one of the most helpful things I shared was how I have my quiet time. On the chance that you may find it helpful too, here’s what I do:  Before I open my Bible I say “God, if you were here with me right now, what would you say to me?” Then I read until a scripture hits me, as just what I need.  I pause and write it down, word for word, thinking about it as I do.  Then I pray, writing my prayers out long hand (very, very messy!) in a journal or spiral notebook, or whatever I have handy. This keeps my mind from spinning onto the errands I have to run, or work I need to do, or emails I need to check. I do this virtually every day, even if it’s only 10 minutes. Sometimes it’s at Starbucks, sometimes it’s in my car, sitting in a parking lot between appointments, sometimes it’s at home. Don’t worry about how much time you should spend reading or praying, just do what you can. Never forget that Christianity is a relationship, not a religion. Spend time letting God love you and allow yourself to love Him back.

Spending time allowing God to speak to you is essential for your victory.

But maybe experiencing victory means something else for you. Perhaps you need to start thinking about what you think about, and refuse to allow your thought life to spiral into negative, destructive emotions, which in turn spills into negative, destructive actions. There’s only one way to combat a lie; you must root it out with the truth. Each time you find yourself thinking a thought that clearly doesn’t come from God, stop in your tracks. Replace the lie with the truth, speaking it out loud if you can. Seriously, there is power in speaking the truth (of course, if you are in the middle of the grocery store I recommend waiting until you’re back in your car to try this!)

Combating lies with the truth is essential for your victory.

So, my sweet friends, what’s the take away for living in victory rather than defeat?  Three simple elements.

1. God’s people
2. God’s presence
3. God’s truth

Don’t live in defeat one more minute. Envelop your life with these God-given resources and live.

Victorious!

If you’ve ever doubted that God causes all things to work together for good

LOOK AT THE CROSS.

If you’ve ever struggled with forgiveness

LOOK AT THE CROSS

If you’ve ever questioned God’s love

LOOK AT THE CROSS

If you’ve ever wondered about the reality of eternal life

LOOK AT THE CROSS

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by sin

LOOK AT THE CROSS

If you’ve ever asked if God really cares

LOOK AT THE CROSS

If you’ve ever faced the pain of death

LOOK AT THE CROSS

Don’t miss the significance

The freedom

The love

The forgiveness

The power

The debt paid in full 

On a lonely Friday, Jesus Christ, Son of God, stretched out his arms and died for you, for me, and for all of mankind.

On

The

Cross.