Lesson One: Overcoming Insecurity
Insecurity. It’s something all women deal with. Every. Single. One.
Whether we feel insecure about our looks, our job, our home, our romantic relationship (or lack of one), our friendships, our parenting skills, or our social, emotional or spiritual state, we all feel insecure about something. In truth, many women feel insecure about nearly everything. And yet, there is a deep-seated need in all of us to feel secure. To be secure. To live secure. For a woman, security is oxygen.
When a woman isn’t secure, it drives everything about her life. And I do mean everything. If you think I’m being over-dramatic, hang with me for a minute, and you’ll see what I mean.
God never intended any of His precious children to live with insecurity; He wants us to live in security. And with confidence. In the next five weeks we’re going to learn how.
Let’s dream for a minute: If you could live the next year in security, rather than with insecurity, how would it change your emotional, relational, personal, or spiritual health?
Oh, how I hope you’re getting excited! This Bible Study, sweet friend, could be a game changer for you.
Can you remember the first time you felt insecure? If so, what were the circumstances? If you can’t remember the first time, share a recent memory of when you felt insecure.
Well, that was certainly a nice little surface question, wasn’t it? There’s nothing quite like asking a group of insecure women to share their deepest insecurities right off the bat to keep thing light, right? Don’t worry. It won’t all be this bad. At least now you know we’re all treading water in the same murky pond of insecurity (even that cute gal that seems to have it all together).
According to 2 Samuel 22:32-33, where or who, does security come from?
Who arms you with strength?
In your opinion, what is the relationship between being a strong woman and a secure woman?
God is the definitive source of our security. Yes, security can come from other places, too, like healthy relationships, for instance. But ultimately, security comes from God. This truth is crucial because if genuine, unshakeable security comes from a relationship, or an identity, or a career, or a family, or a bank account, or a number on a scale, or having parents who built into you with encouraging words, then our security is at the mercy of having all of these pieces in place.
And that would mean our security could never be secure.
This is why understanding that God is the one who makes us secure is foundational.
This isn’t to say other types of security aren’t important. They are. But if you and I are going to live in security, rather than with insecurity, we must understand that these types of security are secondary sources, not the primary source. Anything less leaves us vulnerable to living a life of insecurity.
Look at the list of places we seek security below. Star three that have been most important for your sense of security up to this point.
- Financial security
- Personal security
- Relational security
- National security
- Emotional security
- Family security
- Spiritual security
- Physical security
- Professional security
In your experience, how reliable are these types of security?
Let’s suppose your top three sources of security were taken away. How would you respond?
Are you starting to grasp why where we draw our primary sense of security is so vital? Every one of these places of “security” can change in a moment. Nothing in this world is completely secure, and never will be. Only one thing–only one person–can always be trusted.
Read Hebrew 13: 5-8.
Who never changes, and therefore, can always be trusted?
What promise does God make to you?
In light of God’s unchanging nature, and his irrevocable promise, what can you say?
With what kind of attitude can you say this (v. 6a)?
In your opinion, what is the relationship between confidence and security?
Take a moment to personalize Hebrews 13:5b-6 by writing it out, inserting your name. (Ex. God has said, “Never will I leave you, ____________. Never will I forsake you, _______________.) Write it here:
Read Psalm 112:6-8 and answer the following questions:
Surely the righteous will never be shaken;
they will be remembered forever.
7 They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
8 Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.
Fill in the blanks from verses 7b and 8:
Their hearts are _______________________, _____________________in the ____________. Their ___________________are ____________________, they will have_______ ________________…..”
What do you think it means to have a “secure heart”?
According to verse 7b, what does a person do to gain a steadfast heart? (Note: in the original Hebrew, “steadfast” means fixed, or firmly established)
In what ways would you be more emotionally and spiritually healthy if you experienced a secure and steadfast heart?
Trusting in the Lord leads to a secure heart. A secure heart leads to lack of fear.
Here’s the bottom line: Insecurity is rooted in fear; security is rooted in trust.
This explains why so many of us struggle with insecurity. Our history tells us we can’t trust. We shouldn’t trust. And the truth is, we can’t, and shouldn’t, trust many things, and many people. But we can, we should, we must, trust God.
How will everything work out for the righteous in the end (vs. 6,8)?
Notice the Psalmist doesn’t mention how things might work out in the middle. Sometimes the middle parts of our stories can be pretty messy. But for the righteous, the end (like the end, end) is good. So, right about now you might be asking the same question I am: “How can I shift from finding security in things I can see–like my relationships or my bank account–to someone I can’t see–like God”? Hold on to that question, because it’s a great one.
I should tell you up front the whole answer will take several weeks to unearth. We’re going to bite off small chunks so we a) don’t get overwhelmed and b) actually apply what we learn. Plus, becoming a woman who is genuinely secure in herself, her circumstances, her choices, and her life, doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a lifelong process of becoming deeply grounded in who God is, and who she is, in Him.
But it’s possible. And we’re headed there.
For now, I want to drive home the point that security is rooted in trust, while insecurity is rooted in fear. Got it? Good.
Now I want to show you a list of things women commonly do when they are insecure. Take a deep breathe, because you are about to recognize insecurity issues you never knew you had. (I know, because when I wrote them, I recognized many of these behaviors in me. Didn’t I tell you we’re all in this insecurity thing together?)
40 Signs of Insecurity
- Over concerned with looks
- Under concerned with looks
- Seeks prestige in possessions, positions, or people
- Critical of others
- Critical of self
- People pleaser
- Allows herself to be treated with disrespect
- Doesn’t feel worthy of healthy, loving relationships
- Performance driven
- Blames others
- Blames circumstances
- Brags (about self, kids, job, house, travel, career, her church)
- Needs to be right
- Doubts herself and/or her abilities
- Makes unwise choices in relationships
- Overly concerned with success for self, spouse, or kids
- Parenting style is either too strict or too lenient
- Doesn’t take chances to fulfill her dreams and calling – plays it too safe.
- Stays in unhealthy situations – work, friendship, and relationships
- No boundaries
- Can’t be truly happy for others, because she’s not happy with herself
- Secretly likes to see others fail
- Becomes too enmeshed with her guy, her kids, her friends
- Needs to be needed in an unhealthy way
- Needs constant praise- but even that doesn’t fill her up
- Judgmental and/or argumentative
- Has to be recognized, noticed, esteemed
- Fears change
- Hoards things and/or relationships
- Never feels likes she’s good enough
Holy cow. That’s quite a list! And every single one of these things is driven by insecurity, bred by fear: Fear people won’t like me. Fear I don’t have what it takes. Fear of hurt. Fear of rejection. Fear I’ll mess up my kids, or my marriage, or my friendship, or my job. Fear I’ll never accomplish the goal. Fear of the unknown. Fear of pain.
Discuss how the behaviors on this list are driven by fear. Fear of what? Of whom?
Do you resonate with any of the behaviors on the list? If so, which one(s)?
Have you ever considered that these behaviors are driven by insecurity?
Discuss how confident trust in God could alleviate the fear, and therefore, the behavior.
So why the extraordinarily depressing list of ways insecurity rears it’s ugly head? Wouldn’t it be simpler to acknowledge we’re all just a smidge insecure, and call it a day? Well, yes…it would be easier to sweep our dirty little areas of insecurity under the rug, but did you see how toxic these behaviors are? How they affect every single area of life? Becoming a secure woman is not just about feeling better about myself; it’s about rooting out what drives the truly ugly side of me. This is the process of genuine spiritual and personal growth. And health.
The first step to become a confident, secure woman is to recognize insecure behaviors in myself, so I can course correct with the help of Christ.Insecurity traps us in a never-ending battle of one-upmanship, fear, blame and shame. Security, on the other had, leaves us free from unrealistic or unhealthy expectations on ourselves, on others, on circumstances, and on our life. A confident and secure woman is a free woman! She is free to love like she is meant to love; free to live like she is meant to live.
And we are going there, sweet friend. The promised land of security and significance is waiting for us. It’s waiting for you. So lace up your running shoes, because you’re about to lay a stake in the land of security, and claim your life of true significance.
Lesson One Life Application:
Pay attention to your behavior this week. Are any of your actions or reactions driven by insecurity? If yes, which ones?_________________________
Did you notice insecure behaviors you didn’t even know you had? If yes, which ones? __________________________
Memorize Hebrews 13:5